Day 10

still 237... which is fine.

I'm still confused about this whole thing. I mean, I'm not tempted to stop it because I'm hungry (surprisingly, I'm not), but I still just struggle with whether this is getting me anywhere spiritually. I guess I still just feel numb, like the little communications line between me and God has a big crimp in it and I can't figure out where it is. 

I feel though that I told people about this in the first place so that I'd lose face if I ended extremely early for some reason, so I'll continue on. I mean, the food thing at this point seems to be fairly easy... so what harm can it do if I keep trying to dig in. 

That said, I just read something in yesterdays My Utmost For His Highest reading that really spoke to me. 

There are times when you can’t understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification— to be set apart from sin and made holy— or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt— wait.

At first you may see clearly what God’s will is— the severance of a friendship, the breaking off of a business relationship, or something else you feel is distinctly God’s will for you to do. But never act on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will cause difficult situations to arise which will take years to untangle. Wait for God’s timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.

Peter did not wait for God. He predicted in his own mind where the test would come, and it came where he did not expect it. "I will lay down my life for Your sake." Peter’s statement was honest but ignorant. "Jesus answered him, ’ . . . the rooster shall not crow till you have denied Me three times’ " (John 13:38). This was said with a deeper knowledge of Peter than Peter had of himself. He could not follow Jesus because he did not know himself or his own capabilities well enough. Natural devotion may be enough to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His irresistible charm, but it will never make us disciples. Natural devotion will deny Jesus, always falling short of what it means to truly follow Him.

So, I'm going to wait. I'm taking that as a word. It will have to do for now. 

Day 9 - An Evening Prayer

I was going to post this last night. This is what was on my iPod as I walked back to the apartment from the workout room. It's a song that I stumbled on via my friend Jeff Holland. He had had a link to Andrew Osenga's  page a few months ago where I stumbled on this album. 

It's from a six song acoustic EP created with ideas from his fans... a scrap of lyric, a song title, etc... anyway, the last song on the disc has really spoken to me the last few months. It's been the first song in a LONG time that I've sometimes listened to on repeat for a while, just thinking about it. I hope I haven't hyped it up too much. It's called Swing Wide the Glimmering Gates

here are the lyrics...

I caught myself
Looking in the mirror
Wishing I was someone else
Cause I was born
With a bleeding heart
And veins of loneliness

And I know it, I’ve seen it,
I’ve held it in my arms
But love can’t seem to break me down

And I’ve pleaded, I’ve begged
And I’ve bloodied my eyes
Just to feel it
To believe it will stick around

Swing wide the glimmering gates

I told myself
The habits and secrets
Were just to get me through
To get me through the nights
But I got lost
In a world of angles
In a city of greys and lies

And I feel it, I taste it
This longing to be free
Oh, the joy of believing like a child

So you, you there listening
Will you send up a prayer
For me
To help me find the light

Swing wide the glimmering gates
Leave your pride and pain
Swing wide the glimmering gates
And be innocent again

One day I believe
I will open up my eyes
To see the good work that was begun
And I’ll be the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be
And I’ll know that I belong

Swing wide the glimmering gates
Leave your pride and pain
Swing wide the glimmering gates
And be innocent again

heading off to a friends house with Angela to watch Blade Runner in his really cool theater room (the type of theater room I lust after, honestly). WALKED 2.34 miles in 35 minutes for 389.2 calories tonight. I was much better. I was also however more tired before i started, so that probably played into it. See you tomorrow. 

Day 9 pt 1

ok. this is the third attempt I've made at writing this. I've been trying to figure out how to post audio files from box.net. Previewing it, it looks like it's working now. huzzah.

As I was driving to work this morning to put out a little fire, I was listening to a Dave Ramsey Show podcast I started yesterday and didn't finish. He came back from a break with a quote of the day from Stephen King. King wrote, "Talent is worth as much as table salt." Dave expounded on it and talked about how, while it didn't hurt to have talent, discipline and work were more important. He gave an equation, "Diligence = Discipline + Excellence over an extended period of time".

That's my mediation. How do I get to that point in my spiritual, physical and work life. I've got the referenced piece of audio below.

Weight this morning was 237. That means that I'm now at what I was at when I started working the current job. It's just kind of interesting. Had some apple juice with my multivitamin this morning and some pineapple juice on the way back from work. It's probably about time for some sort of liquid (in addition to water).

I'm really hoping that the gastrointestinal issues I've been experiencing go away, but I'm guessing that because of the fruit juice in my diet they won't until this fast ends.

I've got more to write, but Ang and I have some things to take care of in the apartment. More later... including my initial breakdown between what I've experienced and what I initially read from the detox sites. Call it a smack down if you must. heh.

Day 8 evening

today was kind of a hard day... not because I was hungry or anything like that. It was just the dawning realization as I was driving home with Angela that I've still got almost 5 weeks to go. Thinking about five weeks just kind of got me depressed. Got home and spent some time fixing the stat tracker on the blog and forced myself to go walk.

Who am I kidding? I can't walk. I admit it. It's hard for me to just walk. Inevitably I just want to go faster than that and I end up jogging. 2.51 miles, 35 minutes, 401.1 calories.

I've got a lot more that I want to write but it might have to wait for tomorrow. We've been working our way through Carnivale and there are a couple of episodes to watch tonight. It's an interesting show, if you haven't watched it. Who would have thought to frame a battle between God and the Devil in the confines of a traveling carnival in the 1930s.

Day 8 midday

I noticed that XXXChurch put up the entire Starving Jesus documentary online. If you'd like to watch the video I talked about the other day, there it is below...