Stuck in the office making dubs of some products that we need to send to Florida really quickly... there's still a lot of snow outside of the window, but instead of being cold and pallid, I know that it's close to 50 degrees out... the knowledge of this REALLY makes me want to be outside riding. I don't feel so bad about not being out riding right now though because I've kicked back into training and it feels REALLY good.

I was reading the new issue of Bicycling this morning before coming in to work, and there was an article talking about weight loss through cycling and a guy who put himself through hell to go from 250/260 down to 180. Part of me wants to put myself through hell to get to that point by August the wedding. A couple of weeks ago I realized that I needed to get back to work... my pants weren't fitting as well as they seemingly did at one point, and I just didn't feel comfortable in my clothes. I felt the kick in the butt that gets me going again. I had signed up for bicycling.com's online trainer a couple of months ago and hadn't really used it, so I went back and created a new program, and have been on it for about two weeks now. I think I'll start posting each days workouts so y'all can keep track of me. I also need to figure out what rides/races I'm going to do this season. If you have some suggestions let me know...

I missed Wednesday's workout, and did it yesterday instead, so I'm thinking I might double stack and do these back to back today...

March 13, 2003
 Any cardio exercise 45 Minutes RPE/HR Goal 6 130/141

March 14, 2003
strength exercises    weight     reps    
Shoulders      
Seated Dumbbell Press 45 lbs  8       
  45 lbs  8       
  45 lbs  8         
Lateral Cable Raises 15 lbs  13       
  15 lbs  13       
  15 lbs  13       

Trapezius      
Barbell Upright Rows 45 lbs   8       
  45 lbs  8       
Barbell Shrugs 115 lbs  10       
  115 lbs  10       

Triceps      
One-Arm Dumbbell Extensions 25 lbs  8       
  25 lbs  8       
    25 lbs  8       
Rope Extensions 35 lbs  10       
  35 lbs  10       
  35 lbs  10       
  Abdominals      
Hanging Leg Raises -  10       
Hanging Knee Tucks -  20       
Flutter Kicks -  20       
Incline Sit-Ups -  20       
Bicycle Crunches -  20       
  -  20       
Side Crunches -  20       
  -  25 
I really like the weight workouts that the program gives, but it's cardio workouts leave a bit to be desired. I wish it would give me specific program options instead of just Rate of Perceived Exertion goals. Plus, I think their RPEs are a little low for me. In any case, it's a starting point.

I don't know that I ever posted these photos, but I thought I should probably post them at some point.






Anyway those are me... all 240 some pounds.

Hopefully tonight I'll get a chance to sit down and write another entry on depression and triathlon. It's been one of the other thoughts I've been thinking about lately after reading Tina from the IronMOO boards letter in Triathlete (Hi Tina!) I agree with her on quite a bit, now if only I could compete with her... someday, someday.

I'm looking out on a cold, pallid white front lawn right now and it's kind of depressing because I really need to get back on my bike. The jeans are tighter... and that too is depressing. It's been too much of an extended off season and it's been hard getting back into things. that first week off because of too much stuff to do at work ends up turning to 2 weeks, which moves into a month, and then it's towards the end of February with almost 2 months of an extended vacation. Maybe it's just Minnesota weather. I'm not entirely sure. The one thing I know is that I'm uncomfortable resting on laurels, but that's where I sit right now. I need to sit down and start working on my novel again. It's started, and someday will be finished, but I really haven't worked on sit since November. Why does time go so quickly?

I'm excited that the cable company has just added OLN to it's lineup. Assuming I don't move to Colorado Springs until late July I'll be able to watch quite a bit of Tour coverage. It's got to be better than OLNs coverage.

Dave Mathews 'Where are You Going' is playing in my headphones, and I still find it amazing how vivid memories attached to songs can be. My aunt and uncle were over for my birthday in early February and I played them the highlite video from Ironman Wisconsin, at the end of the tape, they're playing that song as they show shots of people finishing towards the end of the night and it makes me cry everytime. "I am no superman, I have no answers for you. I am no hero that's for sure, but I do know one thing that where you are, that's where I belong." Supernaturally pulled towards the finish. After 16 hours and some odd minutes, I just wanted to be in Angela's arms. I'll never forget the kind of hushed silence that creeped around the streets. Talking subsided as we exited Fort Randall Stadium weighing the enormity of the situation at the end of the day.

The enormity of that is what makes coming out of the off season so difficult. There's a certain lethargy that creeps in with this time off. Seeking out comfort becomes a sort of feedback loop where the seeking just turns into more seeking and less exercise. The strange thing is the rational thought that exercise to me, actually brings more comfort because I feel that I'm working towards looking and feeling better. Maybe there's some sort of hybernation gene. If there is a gene, I wish they'd find it and show me how to turn it off. Although, maybe this coming move to different surroundings will help that turn off. I thank God for a fiance that wants to be active. A fiance who's willing to indulge my flights of fancy within reason like someday riding across the country.

Angela said the most romantic thing the other day that she's since regretted she said. We were talking about triathlon and she mentioned that if she got into it, she might do an Ironman someday. The thought of being able to share with her what I experienced would be the greatest thing in the world. Like I mentioned, she took rephrased it after she said it, but the thought about being out on the course with each other really excites me for some reason. Who knows what the future will bring.

Angela and I have been working on wedding invitations the past couple of days. We're both kind of movie junkies, so we had the idea to take a DVD case, put a parody sleeve on top, and have the invitation itself sitting in the DVD tray, cut into a circular shape so it fits like a DVD would. These are the two we've done so far. We're probably going to make up a couple more and see which one we like best.

The mist rose from the ground and for a moment, place wasn't. Gertrude Stein said 'there is no here, here' but this moment was the antithesis to that. 'here is everywhere, here'. And for that one moment, as the lights bounced off of that rising mist, and the trails of cars streamed in and out of the parking lot, things were right. very right.

'saying i love you makes me think it through and grab the words, check them in my head, make sure they mean what I think they mean. They reinforce. They tell me what I need to here. I. Love. You. I don't love anyone else, I mean I do. I love my mom. I love my sister. I'm even pretty sure that I love my Aunt Grace, though she's a bit off.'

'shh. i know'

they continued to walk and his finger stroked the keys in his pocket, wrapping the lariat around his fingers in preperation of unlocking the car door. For whatever reason, instead of unlocking his door (which unlocks all of the doors in the car) he prolonged the moment and unlocked the door for her. She stepped in and he did a little dance. Just a couple of steps, but enough to express his feelings. Reaching his door, he saw that it was already being opened for him.

'that's not the way it works!'

She giggled at this, and he entered. His attempt at chivalry foiled in a way. There were still bits of rain coming down and the streams coming down the windshield made the light from parking cars dance and leap magically across the window.

the car started, music was chosen (very carefully, of course) and slowly he started to back out, stopping two times for cars darting down the parking aisles.

'wonder what Gina is up to. Is it ok to call? I mean, when does our date end?'

'no, it's fine! I wonder if her hair extensions worked out ok.'

'really only one way to find out. hmm, her cell phone keeps ringing. better try the house.'

'there you are! Why didn't you answer your cell? Anyway, Paul and I were on our way back from a movie...'

'you wouldn't like it Gina!'

conversation always intertwined. Sometimes it turned into a bit of a dance, tripping over each others words, finishing sentences, interjecting with new comments. Tumultuousness doesn't really begin to describe it, but somehow it worked as a viable way of communication.

'yeah, it's probably not the type of thing you'd enjoy but it was interesting, um...'

'It's a non Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler movie. he's a very angry guy'

'will you let me talk?'

He shut up and let her talk, but while driving, he realized that he felt a bit like Willie Lohman in Death of a Salesman, and it scared him.

'I don't want to be Willie Lohman.'

'what dear?'

'I feel like Willie Lohman right now, and as good as it feels, I know that I don't want to be him. If anything I don't want to be him.'

'who's Willie Lohman?'

'he's the main character in Death of a Salesman, Al Pacino, no, Robert... um... Dustin Hoffman played him in the tv movie.'

this seemed to passify Julie and she went back to talking with Gina, but it was still bouncing around his head.

'In the play, he was happy at these little moments that to him seemed like it summed life up. His life wasn't ok, and things were actually pretty horrible, but these little moments made things happy for a while. That's not the way things are. I mean, life is good. Life at the moment is pretty great.'

As they drove, he came to the conclusion that he needed to spend the rest of his life with this girl, and he tried to figure out a way to say it. Flowers? nah. Food? no. In a way, he wanted to stop at a convenience store without saying anything and come back with something he could tie into a ring. He feared that she wouldn't quite understand, though up to this point she had dealt with his idiosyncracies pretty well. She did make it through Ironman.

He decided, quite suddenly that with 20 minutes to go, he could stop at Target.

'where are we sweetie?'

'Ok. This is going to sound really crazy. I don't even quite understand it myself. This isn't a proposal. Not yet. But on the way back just now it hit me that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I need to buy you a ring. You can't wear it on THAT finger, but I want you to know I'm commited no matter where I end up.'

to be continued...

OK, I think that this is the real start of the novel, or at least it will be as soon as I finish this little mini journal. Settling into weekends without long training has been a little difficult, and waking up with snow on Oct 20 is even more difficult. In any case, it just seems like there's nothing to do without multihour bike rides and runs during the weekends. I start a new weight program tomorrow, something I found on TriNewbie Online. I'll try it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. Anyway, that's the update on this side of town. Only other thing worth mentioning is that I'm still trying to learn more about sports nutrition and just what I do and don't need. I saw my weight pushing levels go down a little as the week went on last week, and I'm not totally sure what to pin that on. Sleep schedules are still whacked, so that's got to be part of it, but I'm also a little leery of the food in my system. I just dont' know how to get food into my system quick enough after a workout, or, anyway. I don't know. I'm just not sure how to get food into my system faster after my workouts, that's all. Anyway, without further adieu, here's the new opening, i think. Maybe....

-----------------------------------------------
If I had access to Instant Messanger as I sit in the water right now, the conversation would probably go something like this.

Me: OK, what am I going to do, I have absolutely no idea why I’m in this mess at the moment and I feel a bit like a newly unbeached whale trying to get used to his body again.

Julie: It’ll be fine, just think about all of the time you HAVE trained for this, you know that you’re ready.

Me: But I’m not ready! I haven’t trained nearly enough! I’m going to die in five minutes.

Julie: Suck it up.

Me: Suck it up?

Julie: Yeah, suck it up. What else can you do?


At this point, I realize that this imaginary conversation isn’t going in the direction that I’d like it to and I think that maybe I should really start to pay attention to what’s going on. All around me, brightly colored latex heads float up and down in the water. Looking from the parking ramp above, it’s got to look something like 1800 rubber duckies undulating behind this makeshift startline. Unfortunately, I’m not above looking down, I’m right in the middle of this brightly colored mess and I’m about 5 minutes from what could be 17 hours of effort to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles and then run a full marathon, 26.2 miles to end the day.

“What did I get myself into? Am I insane?” This floats through my mind and as I turn around for a second…


BOOM!

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but there are arms flying everywhere and I’m moving forward not by my own will, but by hundreds of rubber clad people, bumping into me and pushing forward. My arms come forward and I try to start to swim, but arms are landing on rubber people completely surrounding me. This is not right, I’m afraid. Where’s my mother! Get me out of this mess!

Ironman Kona is here and running, and I'm here in my Graphic Design computer lab looking at photos from the race and trying to sort through my thoughts as I work on my book. I think the most difficult part of this little documentary, is trying to figure out where to start. My quest to finish an Ironman started way before I decided to do the race, and which is the most important part of that? In the meantime, every extra thought about the book throws me off my game.

Opening scene? If this were a movie, we'd do the Tarantino thing and start sitting in the water. Picture this, the screen comes up from black and we see a bunch of out of focus purple and blue and green blobs floating up and down. That sits there for a second, and we realize that things come back into focus when we realize what we're looking at is foggy swim goggles and he's just taken them off to clean them.

Voiceover: These are the thoughts I'm thinking right now. Or at least some semblance of the thoughts I was thinking at this moment. "I'm scared. What the heck did I get myself into? Can I even do this? At least I don't need to pee. Thank GOD I don't have to pee. I wonder how far up I should move up in this pile of bodies.
I could back out now, it's not too late. I'm glad I don't have to pee. Alden is probably doing much better at this point than I am, at least he knows he can swim. I'm so glad I don't have to pee. EEK." In a moment, I'm going to look behind me and the cannon's going to go off and I won't be able to back out. This is a little hard to look at, I'm going to get swamped in a second.

Boom. Split screen shows cannon going off and the swimmers taking off. In a little corner of the screen, you see Brian looking away from the start when everyone lurches forward. That scene freezes and the other slide off the screen.

On the right side of the screen:
Name: Brian Behm
Age: 22 years, 7months, 8 days
State of Mind: Absolutely and completely freaked out.

Cut back to sometime in the past.

That's how things would open, if this were a movie, but this is a book and I don't know how that translates. Guess I'll just need to learn.