From the archives... or: Nothing Ever Changes

The other day I was digging through the archives with a coworker, trying to find
a picture from my Ironman race. As we were digging, I found an entry I wrote that surprised me. When I started talking about doing this fast, I mentioned wanting to put things on the shelf. Apparently, five years ago, I was still talking about packing things up and putting things on the shelf.

Reading closer, those things have changed. When I first read the entry, I didn't read closely. I thought that I was talking about putting the same things on the shelf. There are some things that are still there from five years ago, but I think they've changed enough that I can say I really have progressed in my life.

Anyway, I'll let me speak for myself...

As I was out running yesterday night, I was really kind of thinking about why I'm doing this. Why am I doing the Ironman and is it for the right reasons? Unrequited love is a powerful thing. It can be a hard thing to get over, and even after you meet the most amazing person in the world, who changes everything about you for the better, there are those nagging things that you want revenge over. Part of Ironman at first for me was to shove athleticism down the throat of the girl that told me I would never be an athlete. I thought, what could be the most extreme thing I could ever do that would prove once and for all that I won't live up to that comment. That, as much as anything else was fuel.

I came to the realization though, and brought it up to myself again just now, that those words wouldn't even be in her mind anymore. She spoke them without even thinking and they floated off into the distance. She could have no idea how they scarred me. I've already proven to myself that I can be athletic, and Angela has been really supportive in letting me know what I am in her eyes. That itself means more than I could even say. Still, that wound is there. I pray it'll go away. In fact, until yesterday on my run, I was assuming it had gone away. I thought about elementary school and David Wilke's 7 minute mile... being so envious of his speed. I thought about the years of taunting and teasing, crater face, fatboy and I ran from that.

Y'know, maybe what I'm aiming for in Ironman is just sheer running away from my past. But maybe it's not entirely running away from my past. Maybe it's putting a seal on it. That putting myself in that situation and burning off that chaff and struggling through that event is going to put an endcap on it. Finish it off for good.

Foot Shoveling

I've developed a new exercise, maybe even a new sport. It's called 'Foot Shoveling'. With the way our buildings are set up, the staff is spread all over the place. My department seems to have taken that to a new level. The building we're in used to be part of a car dealership. There were two rooms set up for the sales guys to hang out in while they were waiting for people to come on the lot. These rooms only connect to other parts of the building by going through other rooms to get to the hallways. These other rooms, being big meeting areas aren't really used much during the week mean that, for the most part, we're completely disconnected from the everyone. Some days I really only see the one other person that works back here.

Because of those circumstances, we get neglected. While they hang wreaths from all of the doors throughout the buildings during Christmas, we're ignored. When trash needs to get picked up, we get ignored. When snow falls...? You get the idea.

Waiting for a DVD to burn this morning, I decided that I'd shovel the steps. I couldn't find anything in my office to use as a shovel so I thought I'd use my feet. Surprisingly, it worked fairly well. I wasn't able to get EVERYTHING off, but enough of it's gone that we won't end up with the ice steps we developed in the last snow storm...

Will 'Foot Shoveling' ever make it to the olympics? I don't know that it will. But I would encourage it. It wasn't the greatest workout, but the shuffling back and forth to try and scrape up snow with the side of my shoe actually got my blood moving just a LITTLE bit... and now I've accomplished one of my small tasks for the day.

back to the grind.

Day 13

Have to head to work in a minute admist the snow, blah. 234 this morning. 

The Message seemed to help yesterday. It's kind of interesting reading the Bible in a different way. I kind of liked this passage I really enjoyed reading Ecclesiastes yesterday. I also started reading 1 John. 

Anyway, better go brush off the car. blah. I'm glad we have very few snow days here each year. 

more later.

Day 12

Good morning, everyone!

(picturing myself as some 'sound of music'-esque teacher happily waking up/engaging my underlings)

234 this morning. I meant to blog last night after I got an e-mail comment that I really want to respond to here on the blog, but I got tired and went to bed early after doing some reading. Just know, concerned reader, that your comment will be written about and that I do take it seriously. I was a bit annoyed with you at first, but after some time thinking about it and rereading your comment a couple hours later, I felt differently. One should probably not read comments via your cell phone browser in a quick minute between things at your Sunday night small group. Your author stands corrected. 

Picked up a copy of The Message on my way home from work yesterday night. I admit that while I love having the bible illuminated by quite a few people that I respect, and whom I've learned many things from, I find it hard to dig into the bible on my own. It's just not something I've ever been able to dig up a lot of interest in. So, I'm thinking that carrying around this copy of The Message with me will help with that. I was reading the psalms last night (admittedly the one thing in The Message that I don't think translates very well is the book of Psalm)

Anyway, I thought Psalm 1 was interesting, 'message-ized'

Psalm 1


1How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road,
you don't go to Smart-Mouth College.

2-3 Instead you thrill to God's Word,
you chew on Scripture day and night.
You're a tree replanted in Eden,
bearing fresh fruit every month,
Never dropping a leaf,
always in blossom.

4-5 You're not at all like the wicked,
who are mere windblown dust—
Without defense in court,
unfit company for innocent people.

6 God charts the road you take.
The road they take is Skid Row.

More later. But dear reader, again, before I respond to you in more detail, I AM trying to dig in. I am encouraged by your words, and I'm NOT shirking that aspect of the fast by watching movies. If you knew me better, you'd know that my wife and I have a great passion for movies. We're looking to relocate to Austin, partially so that we can be closer to a more vibrant film community. We're still in the early stages of trying to make our own movies. We know people that are more passionate than we are about all of these things, but we've met very few people here in Colorado Springs that are bigger movie geeks than we are. 

Furthermore, there were several illuminating things in the movies we saw on Saturday. Things that make me look at God and say "thank you". One of the films we saw was even, technically, a 'Christian Film'. 

Like I said, I want to spend more time going into your comments, but I wanted to let you know that after some thought, I'm not offended. I'd just like to address things more clearly. 

More later. 

Brian

Day 11

After a pretty restful day watching movies yesterday (we did a marathon at the discount theater, seeing Across the Universe, Dan In Real Life, Bella and Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium), it's off to another Sunday morning at work. 

236 this morning. This morning's passage from My Utmost talked about giving the Blessing God has given you whenever he blesses you. I hope that I do that with the design talents I have. I think that I struggle with working at a church sometimes. It's not particularly where I wanted to be, but it was a job that was there as I was being laid off from another job and it really was a blessing that I got a raise and just a weekend layoff before I started the new gig. I struggle with whether or not I'm a 'member' of a the church I work at and whether that means that I tithe my salary back to the church. Which just goes to say that I have a hard time with blessing. Is it giving back to God that I use my skills professionally?  I imagine that sometimes it is. I don't think that that's as far as it goes though. I think it goes much, much further than that. I also think that I'm a long ways from properly understanding that. 

Off to work. More later.