now we have a trailer... and if Night at the Museum (which I didn't TOTALLY hate) was worthwhile at all, it got Steve Coogan in another Ben Stiller movie, so there's your other bright shining moment for the day.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
New Tropic Thunder trailer
now we have a trailer... and if Night at the Museum (which I didn't TOTALLY hate) was worthwhile at all, it got Steve Coogan in another Ben Stiller movie, so there's your other bright shining moment for the day.
Hypothesis of the day...
Finished reading a book yesterday called My First Movie: Take Two: Ten Celebrated Directors Talk About Their First Film. I had started reading the first volume a few months ago and have slowly been doling each chapter out one part at a time, but since Take Two was a library checkout, I dove in to it all at once.. reading it mostly in downtime at work.
There were interesting things in all of the interviews, but one of the things I found most interesting had to do with management style and the nature of the role of the director as a type of manager or executive.
In my downtime this morning before the class started, I began reading a book called The Three Signs of a Miserable Job: A Fable for Managers (and their employees) by Patrick Lencioni. I'm only about a 1/3 of the way through, but it got me wondering whether or not film directing could be condensed into some sort of a management class and whether or not CEOs and Film Directors have anything to learn from one another.
I'm going to keep exploring the concept and hopefulyl I'll finally get around to making a little short film soon to be able to put some of the theory into practice, but I'm curious.
If I ever do get around to finishing my bachelors, there's part of me interested in getting both my MBA and my MFA, so maybe it's just something that appeals to me because it would be a way to reconcile both sides of my mind. We'll see I guess.
More later.
Monday, February 25, 2008
another evening, another post...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
thanks Lisa
yawn...
Back in the late nineties or early oughts (heh. now that I'm thirty I can talk about the 'good ol' days') I tried to start a business with a guy I used to hang out with. He was a musician (who later turned out to be the music playing pot head cliche) and business major, and had an idea for an interactive CD-ROM that would teach people about the music business. If we had done this a couple of years later we would have just made a DVD, but DVDs were still kind of bleeding edge and it just wasn't possible to easily make a DVD.
Anyway, we decided that we were going to do it in a combination of Director and Flash, only Flash really didn't have any sort of video support in it yet. It was a mess from the first day we started. We each borrowed money from our parents to start the biz ($2,500 apiece) and we worked pretty much every night. I was going to school and working full time so we couldn't work on it during the day... so around 8:00 every night, Jeff would come over and we'd work in shifts. We'd work until we collapsed, then we'd take a nap and get up after an hour or so and work a couple of more hours before having to take another nap. We did that for a couple of months getting ready for SXSW. We'd paid to have a booth in the tradeshow and we really wanted to be able to show off something.
The redeeming side of the story is that it's how I initially fell in love with Austin. We holed up in the guest bedroom at my friend Lisa's house (the friend whose blog, incidentally, launched today) and had a pretty amazing time.
Post SXSW, my partner started smoking pot and kind of fell off the face of the earth. The Macromedia Lingo we needed to use for the Director project was beyond my scope, and most of the programming ended up getting farmed out to a friend of mine. They made up CDs but I don't know that they any of them ever really sold.
I found this e-mail in the archives of this mailing list I'm on. It tells the rest of the story.
The other little thing I've been dealing with is the finishing off of this past business venture I made with a guy to design a Multimedia project. We had kind of a bitter break and he continued with the business with the understanding that he was going to pay me off my share of the investment because he wanted to retain rights to the product. A year passed and none of the $2500 investment had come back yet, I had written a clause in saying that if at the end of the payment period the balance had not been paid off, then there would be retroactive and accruing interest on the whole thing. That time is just about here, so I needed to sit down with Jeff to get this stuff figured out.
I didn't ever think I'd get the money, and he works at the apple store, so I thought I could make him a settlment offer, 'get me an iMac DVD-R and we'll call it even'. He sent an e-mail back saying that we could definitely talk along those lines and we set a time to meet for lunch.
We meet for lunch (after waiting a 1/2 hour for him) and start to hash things out. He has a lot of debt, he can't pay anything, doesn't have any money, etc. I just tell him that I don't want to do anything that is going to hurt him. I'm very emphatic about this. I propose a big cut in the total $2300 he owes me, to like $1000 and a payment plan, and he says he doesn't want any extra payments and that all he can really offer me is his Apple Store discount. Then, after talking about dropping the amount of money even more, he says that he's selling his Chet Atkins SST on ebay and that I could have the money from that. We both think that's a good idea and after praying and both thanking each other for getting together and sorting some of these issues so that we could build a new friendship we take off our seperate ways. Everything seems really great. I'm actualyl pretty excited about building a new friendship....
the guitar sells for like $900. I think that I would really be able to put that money to use trying to get a Laptop so that I could take it to South Padre, and life still seems pretty good. I don't hear from Jeff though. For whatever reason a week passes, then today, I get an e-mail.
"Brian,
Since we last spoke I talked with a lawyer about our quandary. The first thing we agreed on was it seemed unfair for me to pay back your initial investment when we both went into this endeavor under the same pretenses. Secondly, that it would be ridiculous for me to dip into my own personal "debt" to pay you off, considering I made no money on Music Made Simple.
The problem wasn't the original contract; it was the amendment you made minutes before we both signed. It was a hostile separation and my attitude was basically, "sign it- fine whatever, just sign it." I DID NOT have a clear understanding of the hand written appendage or the words you muttered under your breath.
The fact that neither of us initialed the amendment proves that we had NOT reached a mutual understanding. Furthermore, from a legal standpoint when a contract is revised or changed in any way it must be initialed by both parties to be admissible in court.
Technically the only part of the contract that is enforceable is the typed portion. And I still plan to honor that portion of the contract. In addition to that, if you want to access my personal Apple discount- you are more than welcome to. That is something I can feasibly do.
Thanks for understanding my frustration.
Sincerely,Jeff"
I just don't understand it. It's not like this is $20,000. I really prayed that I would say the right things when I was with Jeff, and that we could work this out. So why this? It's kind of frustrating, and at the end of the day, I'm left more bewildered than anything else. Your prayers about the whole deal would be appreciated. To change COMPLETELY from our lunch meeting to this, just seems really drastic. It's $900, it's not all the money in the world, and for just being $900, all the legal stuff seems really petty.
'Jeff' worked at the Apple Store for a couple more years. He reconnected with a friend who landed him a gig touring with a major female Christian musician. I never found out whether his pot habit disappeared. He's a worship pastor now so I hope so. Things turned out better than they could have. BTW, I did end up getting that iMac, but not how I thought I would.
When the lamp iMacs came out, my friend Terry stumbled into one at a Microcenter. Being that they were rare and quite popular (the wii of their time!), he decided to buy it so that he could sell it on Ebay. I convinced him that it was much more beneficial to sell it to me and, for some reason, he agreed.
I thought that I'd end up using it for freelance... I thought that I'd end up using the little 400mhz iMac DV that I had before that for freelance... and I eventually WAS able to make it pay for itself with freelance work but it took longer than I thought it would. Isn't that the way life is though? BTW, that trip to South Padre that I mentioned in that e-mail? On the way to South Padre Island, we stopped in Austin for the night. My friend Matt and I headed out to this coffee shop he likes on Town Lake and we talked about how the plans I had been making to move to Austin were on hold. I mentioned that I had met this girl and that I thought it was something I needed to pursue.
I wouldn't trade any of that extra time in Austin for Angela. I'm glad that I held off. Several years later, we're still talking about Austin. This time we're in a much better position to be able to make the move. I HAVE a career now. I like to think that I'm a pretty good designer who has marketable skills. If I had moved then, I'm not sure how things would have progressed. I'd like to think that God gives us the desires of our hearts though, and looking back at all of this, He has. Someday I'll tell the story of how Angela and I met. In the mean time, I need to get back to work. I've got a bunch of projects to get done today.
More later.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
an update
What's bugged me though is how easy it is to slip into old patterns. How easy it is to start eating the way I was eating before the fast... how easy it is to get out of doing a little devotional every morning... how easy it is to focus on freelance work over working out. It's kind of depressing realizing just what a shallow, simple creature I am.
I mean, I'm happy that I HAVE freelance work to do. It's, in theory, going to help us get out of debt (as soon as it's going for that and not going towards catching up on another kind of debt; with taxes). Here's one of the things I've been working on, a redesign of a friends blog. I'm hoping that it launches today. I think it's just about ready.
Anyway, off to the normal job. My coworker is out this morning and she only found someone to fill in for half of her duties this morning which means that I get to pick up an extra service. It's fine but it's still annoying when I've get to do more work... silly really, when you think about it. It's not like this aspect of my job is that hard, yet I find a way to complain about it anyway.
More later. I want to run through a design synopsis of that new site and do a simple photoshop tutorial for how to create the appearance of a logo siting behind ice... you can be my guinea pigs and let me know if it's something I could try and post at psdtuts.com
Sunday, February 10, 2008
ugh
didn't get around to starting this afternoon. My current frustration
though is just that some of my equipment at work has gone on the fritz
just before our evening service. Basically, I can't control my
cameras. The frustrating thing is that:
A) There's nothing I can do about it tonight
B) It's going to jack with my day tomorrow and our website is
technically launching a week from tomorrow... that means crunch time.
all of that equals: THE SUCK.
AUUUUUGGGGGH.
Ok. I feel better now. heh.
A more restrained and normal Brian will be back later. promise.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
The winner...
Thanks everyone!
And remember, through the rest of the month, if you'd like 25% off any blog redesign work, e-mail behm.brian@gmail.com
Friday, February 01, 2008
Mini Design Class update
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Bloggy Giveaway Carnival - Redesign Edition
Hey all, just an update. I'll pick the winner sometime on Sunday. If you could, when you leave a comment, make sure that you have a site listed in your blogger profile or mention a specific blog address you want worked on in your comment. That will make it easier for me as I wade through all of the entries.
While you're here, feel free to peruse the rest of the site.
Looking forward to announcing the winner on Sunday! - Brian
My friend Lisa is participating in the Winter '08 Bloggy Giveaway Carnival and I figured that since I just offered a free thing the other day, I should join in as well.
Wow. Just.... wow.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A mini design class with Brian
A mini design class with Brian
Originally uploaded by bthemn
All of these printouts are references for the blog redesign i'm working on at the moment. I'm curious to see just how far i can push blogger.
The reference sites my client gave me were a little confusing... Mostly because
a) it doesn't seem like there's a huge common thread,
but
b) they're not AMAZING designs and i want to create something really memorable that will really work for the client. I know it's a free gig but I care about my friend and I want to give her something kick ass.
I printed out the websites so that I could tack them up. I also printed them out so that I could reference them, but I'd be forced to go in and create my own stuff. No cribbing. I like the palette she picked out and I think I can really design with it. I just need to come up with some thoughts.
Need to call another friend back about a separate website a friend called about today. She apologized knowing that I'm not much of a webwork guy. I guess she hasn't been reading the design class with Brian stuff. I've had at least a little bit of a change of heart.
I think part of the problem is that it's pretty impossible to NOT have the web designer feather in your hat now. As I've been researching jobs the past few months it seems that every design position I've seen has some sort of web component to it. Thank God for CSS.
Tuesday
At a dark time in my life when I was lacking peace and clarity, I began to read about meditation. I longed to be one of those people who could achieve peace through meditation – quiet my mind, calm my heart by focusing on my breath or repeating a mantra. But I could never quite make that happen by sitting still, my thoughts buzzing around annoyingly like summer insects by an outside light. Bless the person who wrote something that I read someplace that said it was possible to enter a state of meditation by monotonous movement. This is my sacred space when I run alone, this is my ritual, this is my sanctuary! I find God here, waiting for me, matching my pace. As my breath gets less jagged and my stride settles into my unique pattern of effort, I find inner stillness cradled in outer motion. Through that stillness I have found a great deal of peace. After a lifetime of panting, I finally caught my breath.I think I can get back to that. I know that when I was training for the Ironman I was able to get there. I don't think running on the trainer with the iPod will let me get there... that means no more workout room, or at least no more workout room when I'm not just trying to get in a couple of miles.
Monday, January 28, 2008
01-09-08_1410.jpg
01-09-08_1410.jpg
Originally uploaded by bthemn
This was on the street out in front of my office a couple of weeks ago. My friend Dave and I were mesmerized by the conversion and just stood gaping at it for a couple of minutes. Don't lie... you want one of your very own, don't you?
01-19-08_1438.jpg
01-19-08_1438.jpg
Originally uploaded by bthemn
Shot this at the wal mart a couple of weeks ago. I mean, i'm all into marketing, even a bit of a wonk, but did the world need american idol ice cream? I mean, c'mon... "one split wonder"!?
Augh! My eyes...
Augh! My eyes...
Originally uploaded by bthemn
The return of random meeting photos... Mostly because i wanted to document my coworker's scarred memory of me prepping out for a very short moment. It's too hot in the office for a sweater today so i figured i could at least be humorous with it
Sunday, January 27, 2008
a post before bed
phew, that was a close one
mornin'
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Design Class With Brian #3
My original thought was to design something really tabloid-ey and/or pulpy. I was thinking National Enquirer or the Weekly World News. I had been thinking about L.A. Confidential, the Curtis Hanson movie from 1997. In the movie, Danny Devito plays the editor of a tabloid called 'Hush Hush'. Sid's line was always "Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush." From there, I started to think about the new design in very film noir terms. Something similar to, maybe, the Singing Detective poster...
Now, when you're sketching something in Illustrator (or any other design program), break down what you need to do into simpler items. I could use the pen tool to trace along the edges of the lightning bolt, but it's much easier to rotate the image and draw primitives. By straightening the lightning bolt I can draw a rectangle and then select just one of the points of the rectangle to create my angle. Then, I copied the first rectangle and used the reflect tool to create an object that matched up with right part of the lightning bolt. I copied the second triangle and pasted it again. I matched up the bottom part of that object to the bottom of the first rectangle and then adjusted the third object to make the middle part that connects the two objects. Then, to combine everything you just use the Merge tool inside the Pathfinder palette. The other reason for designing the object straight is so that you can lay out your text straight. Then when you rotate it, the text is all rotated to the same angle as your lightning bolt. Are there other ways to do it? Sure there are and, in some cases, I imagine they might work even better, but this is the way I work.
Here's version one of the logo layed into the background I had grabbed for the original logo I mentioned above.
I like it, but I really felt that the header was way too big. I went back to the drawing board and elongated the header and set it up so that it didn't need to be rotated as much.
After slimming down the header I added a little bit of texture and added the blue (I thought it kind of reminded me of the original cover)
I felt the black wasn't working and I thought about what might more appropriately replace it. There was a tutorial over at psdtuts a couple of weeks ago all about creating a 'desktop' from scratch in Photoshop. That article made me think that maybe the warmth of the header would go with the warmth of a desktop. I tried searching shutterstock for 'desktopy' wood and ended up going back to the photoshop tutorial and grabbing the wood texture they linked to there. The image they linked to was much too big to integrate into a weblog background so I chopped a chunk of it off and massaged it into a repeatable background.
I have a quick and dirty trick for creating repeatable background patterns: mirroring. Grab a piece from the top of the design you want to repeat and paste it into a new layer. Flip it vertically so that the top is now the bottom and bring it down to the bottom of your new repeating texture. Create a new mask for that layer and draw out a gradient. With some massaging you should have a texture that's fairly seamless. You might need to massage it some more to make it look less repetitive. To make the left and right side repeat, use the same steps but in the other dimensions.
Here's where we were with the new backdrop
It felt really good, but it also felt like it needed something to anchor the design... enter, the footer
you can also see my first attempt at sidebar headers. I decided that the text needed to be straight to look normal with what would be straight links. I went into Illustrator, copied the text I had created for the header and proceeded to use the find and replace command to change the text on each of the three instances that combine each of the phrases. "Flabby Ironman" had three layers to it. The first layer consisted of the red. A second layer behind it added the stroke. I could have added a stroke to the red but (and this may have changed) in previous versions, when you add a stroke it starts to constrict the inner fill color. By putting the stroke on another layer that's behind the red, the red can stay the same as the stroke grows from behind it. A third copy of the text goes behind that layer of black and down and over a few pixels, creating the pseudo 3d look. By using find and replace I could change all three layers of text in one shot. Pretty slick.
Here's what my sidebar headers looked like when I was done.
bringing that text into photoshop I chopped each of the lines of text up into transparent gifs. A bunch of time later after dealing with messy code, I ended up with all of the elements positioned. I was surprised that it was easy as it was to get everything into place. Things didn't work QUITE like I thought they would, but, aside from the border around everything it looks pretty much like I thought it would.
Off to bed. Tomorrow's another 'fake Monday' morning.
More tomorrow.
Ah, that feels good...
Let me know what you think.
Hello, Hello... We're Going To Induce Vertigo...
When I heard that U2 planned to release a 3D concert film I was more than a little bit excited. When the band appeared at Cannes last year with the first footage, I waited more than a little impatiently. Last week I found out it was opening this past Wednesday on Imax screens across the country and I knew that even though I couldn't be there opening day, I'd be there as quickly as I could.
Now that I've seen it, i have to say that I think I really have seen the future. There have been a lot of people talking about how 3D was going to change things. I saw Beowulf in 3D Imax a couple of months ago, but while it was cool, it wasn't anything that completely wowed me. It was also, I think one of the first modern films to be shot in 3D versus 'dimensionalized'. The dimensionalized movies I've seen (and I think Beowulf was also one these) work by moving pieces of the picture back and forth in the z plane. There's depth, but it's not true 3D... it's pieces of the plane pushed backwards. You see the depth but the pieces themselves are still flat. I'm probably all wrong about the technical specifics, but I never really got that feeling while watching U23D. There was still some of it that felt a LITTLE 'viewmaster', but these subtle shots the director picked up that showed a good deal of the stage and the thousands of people in the audience created a visceral reaction that I just really haven't experienced in a 3D film.
There's one shot in particular that wowed me. Towards the end of the show, U2 broke into a number and the crowd started jumping. The director cut away to a shot that was almost looking straight down on the audience. The crowd appeared as this undulating wave lake mass. Not jumping out at you, but definitely causing displacement on the screen. It was a little awe inspiring.
I have several U2 shows on DVD. I really like most of them in different ways. There's a moment in Rattle and Hum where the film transitions from black and white to color as the band breaks into Where the Streets Have No Name that's a really wonderful moment. There are moments during the elevation tour that are really spiritual... that translates to the DVD... but in the new film there's an emotional component that rose up in me that I think is only attributable to the 3D process. Watching from the crowd as the camera stands next to a guy with his girlfriend on his shoulder. Looking past the guy taking a picture with his cellphone camera, just sitting and watching the 3D of the stage behind the band, it was visceral in a way that I haven't experienced in a concert film before.
I guess the biggest praise I can give it was that it was an experience unique enough to make me want to experience it again. I normally don't see things in the theater more than once, but I know that I'll be back to see U23D again before it leaves the theater. If you get the chance, go. It probably helps if you're at least moderately interested in U2, but it's a really cool experience either way. I'm looking forward to seeing more 3D concerts this way. It's not quite like being at the concert in person, but at $10 a shot, it's a lot cheaper than attending in person.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wednesday Morning
Reading an old issue of Mens Health while laying on my office futon yesterday night, I read something that I'm going to try applying here at work. They recommended that you guard your first 90 minutes of the office day with your life because they're your most productive. I'm experimenting with that today. When I got in, I BRIEFLY skimmed my e-mail and dove into an editing project I needed to finish. Now that it's rendering, I figured I'd take a moment to blog.
Nate started to write about his goals the other day and I figured that since he's started to do it, I should probably quantify my goals as well.
I want to lose 20 more pounds of fat before the Red Canyon century in June. I don't care if that translates to 20 pounds off the 230 I'm at now or if it just means that I've added 20 pounds of muscle. In fact, I'd almost prefer to add 20 pounds of muscle. That's going to involve a pretty arduous lifting routine. I'll need to figure out if I have adequate equipment at our workout room (free) or if I need to get a membership somewhere.
I want to finish paying off our debt by the end of the year. If I can bring enough freelance in, I'd like to pay it off by July at the latest. We currently have somewhere around 11,600 left and we're paying around $1000/month. If I can get an extra $1200-$1500/month in freelance, I can bump that up to around $2000. I don't think that's completely unachievable.
Those are the two main goals. Any other races go underneath that because that's where our primary money allocation is going and races tend to be expensive.
Because of the price of entry fees I want to concentrate on just two centuries this year. Buena Vista Bike Fest on May 17 and the Red Canyon Century in Canon City on June 14. Both of those registration together should only be around $100. By budgeting some birthday money next month and buying fewer DVDs, I should be able to achieve that.
If I have another $100 to spend, I'd like to tackle some running races.
There's a series of running events in Colorado Springs called the Grand Prix of Running. Their first event is the St Patricks Day 5k in March. Running their three official events (St Patricks 5k, Take 5 (5k and 5mile) in the Garden (at Garden of the Gods), and the Classic 10k) should only run $60.
If I could find the money, I'd think about doing the Boulder 5430 in August (assuming that is that we don't end up moving this summer which is a distinct possibility)
I'm sure there are some other goals, but those are at least a few of them. If you want to toss some freelance my way in order to help eliminate some of this debt, I'd be more than honored to give you a quality product.
More later.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Time for more 'Design Class With Brian'
and back to day 1...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Day 25
A tough afternoon
kicked in this afternoon. it's not that i'm ravenously hungry, but
it's made me feel pretty nasty. . . enough so that i'm wondering
whether i should continue. is it hunger? is it my body telling me that
i'm done? is it god telling me that i need to stop as some sort of
lesson in humility? i'm praying for that answer.
end of it. there's no certificate. it is, after all, a personal thing.
maybe i've learned what i needed to learn. maybe the thing i still
need to learn, humility, i can only learn by 'failing' the same way i
accused my friend of doing. anyway, i'm posting from my cell phone so
i should probably go back to focusing on what i'm doing in the
background. ( multitasking! ) more later.
Day 25 part one
Friday, January 18, 2008
Day 23... a mess of a post.
I don't know that I'm ready to talk. I'm certainly still upset, and I do realize that it's a personal thing, but at the same time, I still think that even quitting before the half-way point is kind of giving up. He told Angela that he woke up hungry and that that hadn't happened in the previous days. I guess I know I should believe that and I don't have any reason not to, but I guess I just don't. That's probably wrong. But part of me feels like he quit so that he could eat on his birthday and the Superbowl. That probably makes me an asshole. I don't know where to start dealing with THAT.i don't understand why it was wrong for me to stop the fast
i can understand you feeling a bit isolated while you're still doing this, but still...
9:20 PM
fasting is a very personal thing, and you should seek to understand my true reasons for stopping before putting me on the defensive and asking me to give you one good reason you shouldn't think i'm a loser.
9:25 PM
anyway, i'm sorry that i reacted so harshly, but after that text from angela this morning that assumed i had given in to a physical urge, i was on the defensive waiting to hear from you. anyway, i hope we'll be able to talk about this tomorrow after the situation has cooled a bit.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Day 22
I guess I'm annoyed mostly because 'he got hungry'... he didn't get sick, he didn't faint, he got hungry... in his slight defense he got 'ravenously' hungry, but I still feel like it's a cop out.
I've felt hungry. I've even written about wanting to stop the night I went to Applebee's last Wednesday, but I didn't. I made a commitment between myself and God that I would do this... and maybe I'm just stubborn, but I feel like I need to complete it. Truthfully, I've felt pretty good for most of this and it hasn't been a really HUGE effort, but I guess there's still part of me that has a lot of derision for this person that dropped out. That's probably not a healthy thing.
I know he's working hard, but I've been working pretty hard too. I have a project I need to tape on Tuesday mornings... that means getting up at 4:30am, I had a class I needed to tape last night, that meant being here until 8pm. I spent several hours on the Chili Cook-Off project the other night after I got off work. I spent 5 hours last night and this morning working on a DVD project for another client. I'm tired and I feel like it's been a long week, but I don't know that my friends work load is any harder than the stuff I've been carrying around all week.
I guess I probably shouldn't be comparing. I probably shouldn't say... "Well, I've gone 22 days so far and still feel pretty good... why in the hell can't he even go 16/17 days?"
There's a certain amount of competitiveness inside of me, and it's hard when I don't have someone who's along side me that I can relate to about what I'm going through, someone I can commiserate with, someone that I can push against and who can push me to keep going. I wish I had been around when he was hungry. This friend suggested to me last Wednesday night that I at least give it until the morning to decide if I was going to end the fast and that was enough to push me forward. If I had been around, maybe I could have said the same thing for my friend.
I hope my friend was able to learn something out of the experience that he'll be able to apply to his life... I hope that he doesn't go back to old behaviors. I hope that he's able to build an exercise regiment and get to the point where the weight he still has starts to come off. Part of me fears though that none of that is true. Oh well, I guess the onus is on him... which is where it's been all along.
You're still my friend and I still love you like a brother. If I'm a pain in the ass it's only because I see the potential that you have in you and I want you to achieve that potential.
226 this morning... I woke up tired but with the extra freelance hours this week that's pretty understandable. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some sleep tonight. I need to work on insulating the apartment tonight. The January freeze has made our cozy little aboad pretty inhospitable, particularly my office in the den. Maybe I'll pick up a little space heater on the way home tonight.
More later.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Day 21
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
what I've been working on this evening...
Day 20
More later.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Day 19
I know I've talked about the spiritual struggles with this, and I still struggle with that, but at this point I have to admit that for me, I guess it's become a bit of a challenge, like I'm relying on myself and testing myself to see if I can do it. That's probably not the healthiest thing.
I don't think I posted it, but there was a chunk in Messy Spirituality that really spoke to me.
A couple of years ago, my wife and I sat across the table from a woman we highly respect, a deeply spiritual lady who had profoundly impacted our lives. This woman spent most of her life resisting the noise and activity of the world to seek God in silence and solitude. She had spent hundreds of weeks in silent retreat. This was a woman so saturated with her faith, you could almost smell God when she came into the room.
We were talking about prayer. "It's embarrassing to be sitting with you," I blurted. "You spend days, weeks, even months in prayer. I'm lucky if I spend ten minutes. Compared to you, I'm not very spiritual, I'm afraid."
Her eyes, flashing with anger, caught mine, and she fired back, "Oh, Mike, knock it off. First of all, you don't spend every day with me. You don't know me at all. You are comparing what you know about yourself to what you don't know about me. Secondly, I battle depression daily, and it has won during several periods of my life. I never told you about it. I don't have a family; I like to be alone and silent. Trust me, I am just as 'unspiritual' as you are."
Then she said gently, "You think about God all the time, right?"
"Well, sort of," I said.
"Thinking about God is being with God. Being with God is spirituality. Thinking about God is praying. So shut up with this guilt stuff; you have been praying most of your life! You are a spiritual person!"
What? I've been praying most of my life? What was she talking about? It never occurred to me that Paul's "pray without ceasing" might actually be possible. It never occured to me that praying could include thinking, that praying could be done with my eyes open, that praying could be done standing, sitting, driving, dancing, skiing, lying down, jogging, working. How could anyone accuse me of praying all the time when I didn't pray all the time... unless my friend was right, unless I was praying without ceasing.
How could anyone accuse me of being spiritual unless spirituality comes in unlimited shapes and sizes, unless spirituality looks like whatever you and I look like when we're thinking about Jesus, when we are trying to find Jesus, when we are trying to figure out what real Christianity looks like in the real world?
Spirituality looks like whatever you and I look like when we're thinking about Jesus, when we are trying to find Jesus, when we are trying to figure out what real Christianity looks like in the real world.
That encourages me. It says to me that I'm not crazy. It wraps Christianity up into my life in a way that Karl Barth and John Shelby Spong never did in the Contemporary Theology course I had to take back at Augsburg a few years ago. (I'll honestly admit that while a good part of the reason I failed that course was because of everything going on in my life at the time, I had a hard time dealing with the subject matter in a way that it probably deserved. I had a lot of derision for the professor, and she of me. Apparently she wasn't fond of the Lutheran church I grew up in, and I wasn't too fond of the Lutheran church she went to where they had just installed a lesbian pastor. I REALLY don't want to go there, so don't dig into it, it's just a statement of what was going on at the time.
Anyway, I feel like even if I don't have all the answers, God is listening and understanding that I'm a mess and can work through me anyway. If that's the only thing I learn during this fast, I think that sense of 'being' is more than enough.
Weight this morning. 229. I thought my gastro-intestinal issues were gone yesterday but they came back this morning. We'll see how long they last. I'm guessing it went away because I didn't drink any of the V8 Fusion juice yesterday and I think the additional fiber in that was acting correctively. I'll drink some more of it tonight.